I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
