And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so that wasnt chicken after all
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
