If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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