Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
