i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think my moral compass just broke
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
