Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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