Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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