God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
