i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
