Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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