fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
