allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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