I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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