he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
