I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
