new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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