Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
