it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
