After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
