She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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