i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
