the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
