I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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