All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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