so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The police scanner is talking about you again....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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