i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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