She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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