mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
