You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
