And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
