You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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