im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I want is dick and wine.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
