Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
