A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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