We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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