being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
