everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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