I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
