I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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