im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
