I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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