drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
