One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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