I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
