there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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