By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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