Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
