As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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