Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
