There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
