i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
