the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
