i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
