I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
