I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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