he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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