look no pants
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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